omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
