So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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