Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
