if i can run in heels then i can drive
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
