my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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