whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
