I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
