mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
