Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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