Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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