i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
