cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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