i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
