I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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