You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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