Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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