Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
