we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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