I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
