it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
