woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
