Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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