I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
