somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
