nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
