There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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