Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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