shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
