We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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