She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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