I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
