i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
