Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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