my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
