I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
