look no pants
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
