went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
