Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
