there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
