it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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