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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My life is pants optional.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
