nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
