I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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