the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
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