I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
