you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
