guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize