he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
