K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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