He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
