What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
