Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He felt like a one man threesome
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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