Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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