mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
