you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize